Semesters and Seasons

It’s confusing enough being in your early 20s, recently graduated with your first or second job, figuring out the ways of the world and what adventures and struggles come with it. Then, realizing you have no more spring break, no summer, barely any paid vacation (if any), and there this sense of indefiniteness that overwhelms. What I am coming to realize, and adjust to, is that a very comforting thing about college and the U.S. was that there were semesters and seasons.

There was a beginning. There was an end.

You had seasons of life with certain classes, people, and events. If there was something you liked, you tried to stick with it another semester. If there was something you didn’t, for example, Calculus 4 at 8 a.m. every day, you could look forward to it’s eventual end. And for all ADD people like me, whose interests are vast and scattered, you could always look forward to the new intellectual endeavors/challenges, the new books to read, and the new community in which to share them.

If the semesters weren’t enough change for you, there were the seasons. The flowers would start blooming and earth’s axis would tilt so the sun would be a little bit stronger about halfway through Spring semester.  The leaves would start changing and jackets would be needed about halfway through Fall semester. Leaves, flowers, warmth, sky, and wardrobe were enough to bring some excitement for those desperately needing a change of some kind.

My current situation is this: I have neither.

Panama does not have seasons and my job does not have semesters. Sure, nominally we have two seasons: winter and summer also known as rainy and dry season, respectively. “Winter” is happening right now, but believe me, it’s just as hot — sometimes even more so when the rain comes and turns the hot earth into a hot-moist Earth (aka sauna). I’ll never need to stop putting on sunscreen, taking cold showers, wearing summer dresses, and bringing an umbrella to shield from both rain and sun.

You can get lost in the motion, the sameness, the repetition.

And then one day, you decide to stop and look around and realize you’ve been doing the same thing for the past 6 months, year, two years – almost mindlessly. There was no shift, no large break, no big indication that something was changing and that there was a reason to rethink life, if even it meant putting on the Converse instead of the Chacos. Semesters used to help us stop and re-think. Seasons helped us appreciate the changes. But without one or the other, where does that put me?

To say the least, I’m feeling a little lost right now. My lost-ness has also been awfully manifested in my latest driving fiascoes. The last few times I have driven around the city, I have gotten frustratingly and deeply turned around, misled, confused….lost –  in traffic, in not so great parts of town, and on highways with tolls and no U-Turns for miles that goes something like this:

“Tumba Muerto? Avenida Central? Wait what?? Corredor Sur?!!? Retorno. Retorno. Rethink. Relax. Breathe….Okay you have a 4×4 you can drive through that massive lake on the road….CRAP UNA VIA, turn turn turn….Ask the guy with the banana chips.  Senorrr! Tengo un dollar. Buy a few bags of banana chips. Down the chips. Mmmm comfort food. Mabye I should buy some pineapple that guy has got? NO focus, Jackie. Where are you? What time is it? Crap. I’m late. Crap. I have to pay that toll. No, I will not look over at you truck that is honking at me to get my attention. Latinos….seriously stop honking….OK I give up going home.”

Overwhelming? Welcome to my brain. Students have arrived in Panama for study abroad summer session and it took me completely by surprise…”What I thought?! Summer sessions already?!” And then, the Facebook pictures of everyone graduating…”What?! I did this LAST YEAR?!” I am old.

And the truth is, I truly do love what I do here in Panama, but it helps to just have that shift and reflection, even more to have the people to hope and reflect with you. Perhaps I lack both. I cannot blame my circumstances for my lack of self-discipline, and I cannot blame Panama for being hot all the time. But, feel like I have no sense of time — nothing “feels” like it used to.  So, what do we do with this incessant movement without a chance to step away from the lost-ness and step towards taking time to re-think, re-do, re-live? It’s always easy to hope and fear and be excited for the unknown to come, much scarier to hope and fear and be excited for the same thing that happens every day.

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